eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
