if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
