When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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