Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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