White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
