Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
