Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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