There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I think I am morally bankrupt
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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