it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She bit a glass in half.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize