Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
