dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My penis needs a shock collar
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
