You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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