my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize