Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
