my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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