I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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