Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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