Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
