is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
