I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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