just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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