Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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