Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
