I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
