You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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