Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
