Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
