I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize