Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
