i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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