how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
