I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
