the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
