She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize
