i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
