It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
