best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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