If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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