Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
