dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
