I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
