If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
