I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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