What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
