I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize