This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
