The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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