he thought i was a dude.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
