I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
