i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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