'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
