Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
