He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
