Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
This girl is more easily done than said...
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
