i already hear my dad disowning me
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
