This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Randomize
