I think I won the penis lottery.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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