the condom got lost in my hair
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
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