elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
